I saw you in a corner. I thought you were fine sitting there because you said you were. It’s dark there, I said but you didn’t look back. I tried to come near you but I felt like you want me to back off. So I did. And I just looked at you from afar.
I saw little tears coming from your eyes. I saw them gleaming from where I was. There was pain, it hurts to even look. I wanted to say, “you’ll be fine, you’ll be fine”, but you’re too far to hear my weak voice.
I walked, I couldn’t help it. I walked, I walked to where you were. I sat beside you. You were hiding your face. But your crying became louder that it broke my heart.
I wanted to say that everything will be fine. But my tears stopped me. My voice became weaker than it was before. I’m afraid I would cry so hard beside you. And you would be the one who will comfort me instead of me doing it.
I wanted to say how much I love it when you smile and how my heart breaks when you cry. I wanted to tell you a million times that soon it will all be fine to make you believe that it will.
But my tears kept on flooding from my eyes. I wished for it to stop before you could notice. And so I stood up, gathered all the courage left of me. Then I held your hand, and you were looking at me with disbelieving eyes. I said, “it’s fine, we’ll continue walking… you promised me, you will never give up, if you want to, I will carry you through. Just don’t give up, okay?”
And so we went on.
Light of the world.
Now I finally understand why in Christ, no one will ever walk in the darkness. As I read the Bible, it’s like every dark corner in my life is being spotted by a glaring light. I felt so ashamed when I come to realize how sinful I am and how terrible I am before God. I got so discouraged of course, I can’t even deny it because God knows I’ve done terrible things and I can’t describe how sorry I am. I felt the urge to give up, I don’t know what to do, I thought there was no hope for me.
I almost cried out of sheer guilt. I hated myself, so much. I can’t even describe how disgusted I am with myself. I don’t even know if God can still forgive me after all. This, I think, is the darkest time of my life. I can’t think any more darker than this. I lost all my strength to hold on. It felt like every part of me pushes me to give it all up. It even came to my mind that the Lord have abandoned me and left me behind. That thought robbed me of my joy and peace. You see, I don’t even know if God is just testing my faith or what. I don’t have a clue, I’m thinking its just me and my problem.
I’m publishing this so you’ll know that even Christian still faces a big problem. And that you are not alone in the struggle. Right now I’m still waiting for God’s answer, for His solution. ‘Cause I know I can’t save myself from this situation, only He can save. I know in my heart that He is the solution and I trust Him that He will get me out of this. I know I can’t solve this, but He can.
I want to encourage you. I want you to trust Him. ‘Cause I will. God bless you. Let us not lose hope because in God, there is always hope and He has a purpose behind our every problems.
I know how tough life is. I’m not going to say that life is full of joy for me all the time because I’m a Christian. That’s not true. Life is too hard to live, just as all of us say. But what’s great in being a Christian is that, though life is full of struggles, we can always lean to God when all else fails. Yes, its never easy living in this fallen world but its all up to you. You still have the choice whether you’ll live happily or in misery. Just don’t forget that God is real no matter how you feel.
Life has been so hard for me. I thought I was going to lose my mind at one point in my life. But I realized that I don’t want to live in fear anymore. I conquered my fears. It is hard to face your adversaries, especially your fears but for God, its all worth it.
Please don’t lose hope. ‘Cause I don’t. God bless you.